his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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