I must be too annoying 4 u.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
