the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
