Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
