I haven't been this sober since birth.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
