just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
