I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
