apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
