I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
