i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize
