My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
