do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
