I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
