Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
