I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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