You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
