Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
