Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
My feet surprised me
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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