Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Randomize
