I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
