I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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