new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
