i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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