Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
