i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
