Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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