so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
