if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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