I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
This house was built for laser tag.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
