I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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