Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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