my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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