He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
and you fell through a lawn chair
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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