I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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