Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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