Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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