At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
