me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
