I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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