Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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