i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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