so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
