And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
