also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Randomize
