Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I licked your asshole in confidence.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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