i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
