did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
