you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
