I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
The struggles of a small town man whore
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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