remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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