His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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