It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
