I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
