she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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