i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
