Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
