well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I wish there were birth control emojis
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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